Saturday, February 21, 2009

One strange week

I go to bed.
I can't unwind.
Can't fall asleep.
Listening to the light snores beside me-violence brews.
I get up instead.
The house gets one last straightening, the kitchen another wipe down.
It's midnight or later and sleep just will not come.
I flip channels.
I read.
I surf the web.
I go back to bed.
Lay for what seems like hours yet is probably only minutes.
Finally drift off.
A strange dream, and slowly waking to strange thoughts.
It's still dark.
I look at the clock.
4:37
Fuck
No.
I just want to sleep.
I lay there.
Too early to get up.
Too late to fall asleep again.
Finally drowse.
Drifting in that no mans land where monsters and angels dwell.
Light begins to sift through curtains.
Chasing away half dreamt lands.
6:42
I am up.
Stumbling through.
Bleary eyed good morning.
Coffee?
Must wait for it.
B out the door.
Coffee cradled in my hands.
Hot and black.
I sit.
I sip.
I wake.
The rest of the house sleeps on.

Stillness.
Quiet.
I savor it, this time of peace.
Is that the answer?
Do I need to experience the stillness?
And so wake while others dream?


I would like to report that due to 2 glasses of wine, a sufficient amount of reading, and some time alone(I locked myself in the bedroom-don't worry the big girl was on duty) I actually did manage to get relaxed enough to fall asleep and most importantly stay that way for 7 hours. That means I am currently behind on only about 12 hrs from the strange and sleepless week I have left behind.
I will work on cultivating moments of stillness throughout my day, find the quiet in myself.
And sleep, I hope.

8 comments:

victoria said...

Sounds obvious but my mom always said to write down whatever is bugging me. It will still be there in the morning. Her theory being that you can't fall asleep for fear you will forget - whtever it is that's bothering you.

Though sometimes I think I fight sleep. That some part of my brain fights sleep (while all the other parts lay there tired and frustrated).

Tylenol PM. As over the counter as it is - works.

(these things).

Brook said...

You are the second person to recommend the tylenol pm to me, I think I remember using it sometime in the past. I know what you mean about the fighting sleep part-it's like there is a little kid part of me that just doesn't quite believe in tomorrow and is not ready to stop for fear of never starting back up.

Huff Daddy said...

Tylenol PM = tylenol + benedryl

There was a time when I used a 40oz of Crazy Horse when needed, but those were different times. :)
My ex-said to visualize relaxing your toes and then work up from there. That never worked for me either.

I gave up after years of suffering, I asked the doc for help and get Ambien. I don't take it that often but it has worked when I needed it to. I'm not pushing any of the above, all have there downsides. I'm just saying I understand.

Spellbound said...

I rarely have trouble sleeping, only staying asleep because my Ambiem addicted husband wanders around at all hours knocking over furniture and well, worse stuff. I never recommend pills for anything. I find if I put in an hour at the gym each day I sleep much better at night. Of course there's always sex if all else fails. In fact, just scratch the other advice I gave and try it first.

Brook said...

Spellbound-sex enervates me which is fine and excellent in the mornings, and well, not so good for helping me sleep. Believe me I wish it was different-it puts Big Daddy D out like a light and leaves me wide awake. Hmmm.

Nej said...

I had the worst insomnia about 2 months after my shoulder surgery. As I read your post, I remember how it felt...it takes me back like it was yesterday. There is nothing more frustrating!!!!

I was having a somewhat similar issue early in the week last week (luckily just the one night). When I did finally get to sleep, I had a strange dream about kissing Hugh Laurie (the guy from 'House')....and also something about elephants playing croquet.

Go figure. :-)

Brook said...

The weird dreams. What else is there to say. Criminy. Thankfully it's gotten better and as I type this I am still waking up a little from a 2hr nap w/Baby snuggled into my side. Only 8-10hrs to go and I'll be caught up. YAY!

Life On Edge. said...

ha sleepless nights... good description... what they tell us or do for us might be for us to ponder.