Tuesday, January 20, 2009

What happens in Wal Mart...

Is so damn funny I can't let it stay there.
I very seldom go to Wal Mart. There are many reasons, but that is one place I have had little trouble successfully boycotting.
With one exception.
When we go to Big Daddy D's parents' place at the lake, the store we stop at to stock up on junk food and maybe some real stuff too, is the big fat Wally World. There are a few small stores in the town we drive through but I never drive so I don't pick the stopping place. I hate to drive just so you know, and won't if I don't have to.
Back to shopping. Big Daddy D and B head off to sporting goods to look at BB guns and the like. Baby and I take a detour to look at the socks. Yes, I am a sockoholic. Anyway, slowly but surely we are making our way through the aisles, dodging random items diving for the "ruggy" and the crazies determined to beat us there. I have no idea where there is in WM but apparently everyone has to get there first.
As we are making our tortuously slow way through the obstacle course, Baby announces quite loudly to all and sundry "I gotta go ewww!" Ewww is her code word for poop, if you were wondering. Having by this time met up with the others, a short discussion ensues over who will escort Baby to the appropriate facilities(she was voting for Daddy btw). Well, of course it was actually me who left at a near run with this small person-over her vociferous protests that she needed Daddy- to the nearest potty.
We arrived in good time to the surprisingly clean restroom and Baby promptly found the largest stall, locked herself in and did her business. I am so glad she can do it on her own and that I don't have to go in with her now! So anyway, I notice she has been in there a while. I ask if she is ok and am assured that indeed, she is "dust fine!" I see her coat hit the floor and wait to hear what is happening.
Nothing. Then:
(baby)"Get me outta here!"
I have no idea what is going on.
There is no safety release on the door latch.
I try to wiggle it free.
I know Baby is extremely capable of opening those doors-seeing as how she has exposed me to the world, ok ok, just the other ladies in the bathroom-by opening them quite often and at inappropriate times.
(me)"Open the door honey"
(baby)"Ok, let me out"
"Open the door baby"
"Ok, let me out and I'll ope'it"
We carry on this exciting exchange a few more seconds. (my Angelica voice kicks in and I hear "Stupid Baby! Just open the door already"in my head.)
By this time I am very confused and Baby is beginning to sound a bit frantic.
I look through the crack, my face pressed tight to the door to get the best view.
And what do I see but Baby, sitting in one of those little jump seats that are very handy for mothers of small children.
Only Baby is not only sitting there, she has strapped in and buckled up. She has immobilized herself inside a frickin bathroom stall. And there is no safety release on my side of the door.
The mere sight of this starts me giggling.
Baby hears me and starts crying and then laughing too.
You have to know what comes next.
I lay down on the public bathroom floor, definitely ROFLMAO by this time, and proceeded to wiggle under the door.
Surprisingly hard to do when you are shaking uncontrollably from laughing so hard. Those doors are pretty low to the floor and I had a brief vision of myself stuck under that door, laughing so hard, having to wait for someone come in to the restroom and then to send for maintenance to come rescue Baby and my fat ass. I'd make it a few inches and burst out in guffaws and be forced to stop til I could regain control of my self and catch my breath. And then I looked up and saw Baby's face. The mixture of panic, awe, and laughter was too much and I had to ROFLMAO some more. Those were probably the longest and funniest 2 minutes of my life.
I haven't laughed so hard in ages.
Finally I made it under and scrambled to my feet, and released Baby from her prison and got us the heck out of that stall.
We washed our hands before we left, but really, I think I needed a shower.
Big Daddy D was beginning to wonder if some other dimension had opened its door and sucked us in by the time we got back to him.
I was laughing too hard to be coherent and continued laughing randomly for the next several hours.
Even now, 3 days later the memory is cracking me up.


WanderingGirl said...

That is awesome!!! I suggest extra hot water for the washing of the clothes... and possibly of you and Baby as well.

Huff Daddy said...

Holy Sh!t that is funny. I bet we have similar stories in our future. So imagine if that HAD been your Big Daddy D instead of you in there? Even funnier.

I'll spare you my dissertation on The Evil Empire but sounds like you follow a similar path, only if absolutely necessary.

Funny my wife also has a sock fetish. The crazier the better. And she wears them year round regardless. Christmas socks in May, oh yeah. Her favorites are toe socks. I always have a least a Christmas/birthday gift if all else fails.

The CEO said...

Made my day, thank you. And perhaps some Clorox and another shower afterwards, just to make sure.