Thursday, January 15, 2009

In which I digress and let my stream of conscious wander

There is something about second breakfast that excites me. Maybe it's because by 9:30am I have eaten 2x and am still losing weight. Of course you should understand that I love the physical sensation of being hungry, and later the physical sensation of my stomach being nearly full. I seldom eat until I am REALLY full because I have found that less than 15 minutes after that last bite I realise that actually I had about 4 bites too many.
And I do feel that even one bite past full will end up leading me back down the path of habitual overeating and eventual weight gain.
I had posted earlier about eating too much this past weekend. I did. I didn't eat til I had to undo my pants. I didn't gain any weight. But I did eat until my stomach felt really full. And that made me start thinking. Okay, everything makes me do that. Seriously though, I understand how easy it would be to get caught up in emotional eating because for those few days I was in such need of comforting emotionally, mentally and spiritually that when my stomach was full- even though that was a purely physical thing-at least I was experiencing comfort at some level. I was talking to Big Daddy D about it as I ate the last of the shredded cheddar cheese on some corn chips. How at least this one ache could be soothed, and how good it felt to be able to satisfy at least this one need. I was not confusing my spirits needs with my bodies needs, which I think many people do.
Food is a physical thing and should be used to fulfil our bodies need for energy and nourishment.
Our spirits need other nourishment, and I believe we get what our souls need through our connections to others-be they family, friend, stranger or foe. Pets as well provide the feedback we need to feel whole.
And just as with the availability of junk food other delicious treats which are ultimately bad for us, there are people and relationships that seem to meet our needs that are actually quite harmful to us.
And just as I attempt to apply the moderation in all things to my food and eating habits, I find I must do the same with other people. I have worked hard to become relatively sane and stable these past five years and just as I know that one extra bite of food could lead me back into bad eating habits, having too much interaction with toxic people could lead to setbacks I can't afford in my psyche. It is a dilemma at times. And how do you tell someone they are no good for you? That they are like the worst kind of junk food- tasty at first but leaving you with heartburn and other intestinal difficulties for days? Or tell other people that they are just a light snack, and you are saving your real appetite for someone who matters? Or even the friend you have that's not bad, you just don't want grilled chicken for a while, that it's time for some steak?
Would food analogies work do you think?
Or am I as nutty as a fruitcake?
It's time for lunch!


Huff Daddy said...

I had a friend once who told me that every time her best friends stopped by or called her all they did was bitch and moan and she'd be depressed when they left/hung up.

So one day she decided that she didn't need that negativity in her life and told them all they couldn't be friends anymore. She put herself and her needs first. Worked for her.

Not sure I could do that. or maybe I'm one of those friends?

Brook said...

Well, I err I think, on the side of caution. Treating-at least in my mind-most people like snacks. That way I am not obliged to have that break-up talk. Those suck. And really, we all need connection and it is up to each of us to determine our boundaries and what is beneficial to our own personsl well-being. Are you a good friend? Do you give as well as recieve? And you know, there are always times when we do more of one than the other. When committed to a person, relationship, course of action etc...that means you give 100%, and also take 100%. That 50-50 stuff is bullshit. A healthy, sustainable relationship HAS to be reciprical. Anything else is doable for varying amounts of time, until one party begins to feel injured. Again, I can't say enough that it is up to each of us to establish boundaries, and most of us do. Unfortunately oftentimes some damage has happened and hurt occured before we become vigilant with our own enforcement. I have reasons to have thought so long and hard about this, and am left perhaps hypervigilant and also longing for connection and feedback. So I will get out of my psychology armchair now. And, leave you with the question I ask myself everyday, "Do I have it in me to invest in this today?" And yes, I can be ruthless. With myself and others. My own self needs to be able to give what I demand from my family and friends. My standards are high, much much higher than most, but when I commit to that level I give more than most people know.

Huff Daddy said...

Ok, you lost me. I snack on fruit, mostly apples and oranges. I suppose maybe I eat too many though.

Brook said...

You are funny, and pink grapefruit are my current fave cause Ingles has 3lb bags for $.88!