Thursday, March 12, 2009

What I did at the beach...

Well, first I had a last minute change of plans. I did not end up going where I wanted to go, though I did actually end up in a place that I would have wanted to go to if I had known about it. If that doesn't make sense just read it a few more times.

I had wanted to go to Hampton, VA and see the school I went to kindergarten at and maybe find the house I remember so well. Didn't happen. Some things can't be helped but I truly deeply wish I could have gone.

I ended up in/at/on Wrightsville Beach, NC. It is lovely, the beach is lovely, and the weather was perfect. Sunny and mid 70's. Condo on the beach and I left the balcony doors open the entire time I was there(I was on the 3rd floor).

I walked on the beach, man it is covered with shells. I picked up at least 20 different species. I took pictures.

And I cried.
When my tears ran out I was still crying.

It was quite a shock to me, all this crying.

Once the busyiness was gone, and only me and the sound of the waves remained, all I had inside me were tears.
I did not realize that I was unhappy.
Tears for myself. Lost dreams, dead hopes, not quite wasted years. Fear even now reigns in my words and tears once again flow down my face.
I can't put on a smile and pretend that nothing is wrong. I am lost and don't know where to find me.

I am more than this, but what, I don't remember. Where did I lose myself?
I know.
I am not ready to tell me.

I am so afraid.
Of myself.





18 comments:

Nej said...

I'm so sorry your weekend a bummer. It seems to have opened your eyes to some feelings you were keeping hidden?

"lost dreams, dead hopes..."

Take a second and think of the good. Think of all the things you have and have experienced, that you never thought you'd be able to do.

And think of what you need to do to make yourself happy.

Nej said...

Wish I lived closer!

Brook said...

Whoda thunk right? Yeah, I need a girlfriend hug right about now. And a little sunshine wouldn't hurt either-sunburned nose to the contrary.

Nej said...

Well...consider this a verbal hug!!!!

It will be ok. You're a smart gal, you'll get it all sorted through. I have no worries.

Do you feel any better...at least getting this stuff to the surface? You know what I mean? Even if you don't see an immediate fix?

You can't fix anything until you admit there's a problem. Oh heck, I sound like I just started AA or something. :-)

(Deep thinking has been my curse the last couple of weeks as well....and I've cried more than I care to admit.)

Brook said...

I am still in shock I think. But I know two things. Before the year is over I am going to see the sun set over the Pacific and I am going to get that tattoo. Oh yeah, and mail you the little monster. Soon.

Nej said...

Well...if you're heading towards the Pacific on your own, and want a partner in crime....let me know!

Speaking of, have you come up with any new tattoo ideas?

Brook said...

Coast? Who knows when-lottery ticket here I come!(or at least pay a little on the credit card!) And yes, I have a very definite idea for my tattoo. Will have a post about it soon. I have officially commandeered the coin jar as my tattoo fund.

Nej said...

Love it! Our coin jar is the hot tub fund. Hmmmm...we have quite a ways to go. :-)

WanderingGirl said...

You should have tried to find yourself in Farmville. Ready-made-girlfriend available.

Brook said...

Tif-you were checking out mullets and man ladies. It is nice to know I am welcome. And I love your trip! Sooo funny!

The CEO said...

The door's open, and you're always welcome. I like you a lot. And I can listen well.
{{{{{ Brook }}}}}
Monty

Spellbound said...

My door is always open. Hope you aren't allergic to cats. You know my number. Love you.

Amy said...

I know i am risking having you label me as your "religious friend" but here goes. This life is more than we can handle, but never more than God can handle. When you get to the point when you see that He is in control AND can let go..you will find real peace. I am not saying you have to change-please don't you dare...I'm just saying He is there when you are ready. OK go ahead and think I'm a nut-it's ok. I am.:) I risked sayin this cause I feel like we have grown a real friendship. You are so cool and I care about you. BTW-even though you looked sad-youlooked so pretty at the beach. Your hair is the bomb :)..love ya, Amy

ginstonic said...

What wonderful friends - I hope you feel the embrace of their love and mine too. I wish I could give you some good advice, but what do I know. I have been content & happy with very few dips into the well of depression and/or disatisfaction the last 8 or 9 years, but I don't know how I got here or why it is so. And I tend not to look a gift horse in the mouth. Anyway - I want you to know I support you in ANYTHING. The pictures are fabulous, and I think they captured your mood. Take care baby girl. Love, mom

Huff Daddy said...

Hey, I get a migraine headache for a week and what happened? Everything is always a matter of perspective, sometimes we are just looking from the wrong side of the window.

Any ways, start saving your pennies, it's a lot more expensive than it looks. I think my arm cost me $300. I've promised myself that I can't get another tattoo until I lose some weight. A lot of weight.

Do you have spring yet? We are flowering here. Though today is a little nasty it's wonderful seeing the flowers.

Brook said...

CEO-thanks for the hugs. And the open door-don't let Jake run out!

Spellbound-definitely not allergic to cats, and thank you for sharing your number.

I may just have to swing up to VA and see all you people up there. Heck, I should do a cross country tour to say HI to everyone.

Amy-I do think you are a nut-but I don't classify you as a religious one. I am very glad that we have become friends-and thank you-I can never hear enough how pretty I am!

Mom-I know! They are great and their support has surprised and touched me immensely. We've all had our ups and downs and I am glad you are happy. You deserve it and I am so glad that we have become the family I always wanted. I know you are there for me and I love you.

Huff Daddy-you need to stop being sick. I am not going to tell you again. And you are right about perspective, I am looking for the best one. The tattoo I am thinking about will be I figure in the $300-$600 range. And Spring is not quite sprung here but the flowers and trees are seriously thinking about it. The neighborhood daffodils are blooming and beautiful-I keep meaning to plant my own and never seem to get around to it.

Lori said...

Brook, you are not alone, everything you said was as if I were hearing my own thoughts told to me out loud. I don't know who I am anymore or how I got here or how to get back or much of anything anymore to be honest. I feel as though my life has evolved into some LifeTime movie I wasn't aware was being filmed in my own home lol. I adore my family but sometimes I just need to be alone and that seems impossible. I am so conflicted and it's nobody's fault other than mine. I love having a home, job, husband and kids but I so often feel as if something is still missing. I miss the excitement of life and I don't know if it's because it's truly missing or just because I can't seem to join in. Anyway, this is your blog I just wanted to tell you the feelings it roused in me. I know it's been many years for us but I would like for you to know that I am here now if you ever need me.

Brook said...

Lori, my friend, time does not change that. We get so caught up in doing and being what our families need-and there is nothing wrong with that-but yeah, it is a surprise to find out that in doing for everyone we forget ourselves and a damn shame to discover that no one is taking care of us as we take care of others.