Sunday, March 22, 2009

This is gonna hurt

I wrote this in a very angry and hurt frame of mind.
It is a very narrow slice.
It is not the whole of what I feel.
But if I can't be honest with myself-and this is about me here-what's the point?
Notice the "brooksblogbaby" at the very top of your screen.
How I feel is valid.
It doesn't matter what you feel.
You don't have to agree.
You don't have to like it.
Getting buried in you doesn't make me go away.
Ignoring my heart doesn't make it not feel.
I made my choices.
I didn't know then what I know now.
Years of emotional hurt and neglect do take their toll.
Now I want him to feel the pain of trying and failing to capture my interest.
I want to torture him with his failure, grind him under my heel, and leave him to bleed out and feel what it is like to be empty of all the best that you had to give.
I know that is wrong.
I know it and I don't want to be that.
I see the future with him stretching forward in a bleak landscape full of petty battles and cold war detentes.
I see the relationship his parents have and really really don't want that for myself and yet I can see that we have already been following their model.
I remember my mothers terrible past relationships and how she escaped them.
I see her current relationship-the only one I have seen her truly happy in- and would rather have that.
But how?
Can I have that with him?
Do I want to?
I know I am angry.
I know I am sad.
I don't know how to fix things.
I don't know if I want to.
Maybe I am going through a mid life crisis.
Maybe I am depressed.
Maybe I am tired.
Maybe I am tired of wiping the asses of the grown and nearly grown people in my life.
Maybe I am ready to just take care of myself for a change.
Why the fuck should that be classified as a mental illness?
I know for sure that 30 or 40 years ago Big Daddy D could have had me locked up in a loony bin and treated with electric shock therapy for thinking this way.
What the fuck?

Now then, we have talked today about this very stuff-brought up by him and not me.
Strangely enough I am encouraged.
We don't want to fix what we have broken.
We might be interested in building something new.
That is good news.


The CEO said...

The World around you is limping along on equally broken models. I have thought before that as long as the two of you have open, honest communications, and respect each other's integrity, you can and will recreate your relaionship into something you both want.

Please consider an outside counselor if that is possible. If you get a good one, things can be helped immeasurably.

Don't kid yourself, it isn't easy, but it's worth it. You'll want to give up a thousand time, and it only takes one to end it. But if you are both tough enough to ot give up, you can make it through to something you both create, and that you both want.

I will now re-join the cheering section rooting for both of you!

Brook said...

Monty, it's a hard row to hoe. We'll see. And we are pursuing counseling. Again we'll see. Thank you for your support. Now I sound like a politician. That's pretty funny.
I am glad that D and I are able to talk, really talk to each other. It helps. We have been through smaller scale versions of our current debacle. He has always chosen short term fixes and I have gone along with it, and even abetted him in that, thinking maybe this time it will work. Not this time. It has to be real, not lip service. I can't handle any more of that. I have become an enabler though I have never wanted to be one. I am not talking about drugs or alcohol use, but in his choice of not dealing with any kind of emotional or relational issues. So, my choices in the past have helped get us where we are today. I can only say that I am done with that. I hope he is too.
We'll see.

Spellbound said...

I don't remember seeing you around when I was a child but I'm pretty sure we are closely related.

rachaelgking said...

This is really powerful... extremely raw. Thank you for sharing it... and I hope that it helped that you did. I wish you the best.

ginstonic said...

I agree with the CEO - good pro help. I was always afraid that someone would talk me into doing something I didn't really want to do, to just go along with the mores of society. Real help teaches you how to find your own answers. When the only tool you have is a hammer, you pound every thing like a nail. Get some new tools. Love ya.

ginstonic said...

when did you go to the hospital with shoulder problem? Saw it on facebook, but didn't see when posted. Physical manifestation of emotional well being?? On another track, do you follow melsdream blog? It's kind of ethereal, but I like that stuff. Anyway read a few of posts.
And get better - that's a order from your mom.

Dark Cloud Nine said...

I will say it again here: all couples (I didn't know so I was worried about my own relationship) go through major doubts/fights. But what makes the difference is the way they deal with them. Talk and talk and thinking of a new start is great.

Brook said...

You guys are great!

Spellbound-the first time I read your blog you were talking about eating one of the stickers on an apple. I knew then that I had found a kindred spirit.

LiLu-It is raw. It did help. Like I said at the beginning of the post it's not all or even most of what I feel, but it is part of it-the hardest and most hurt part to be sure. I firmly believe that until we accept and acknowledge ourselves-even(or maybe especially) those dark little corners. You have to turn on the light inside yourself to see what is happening and then deal and move forward. This post is part of that process for me.
Mom-I have talked to you on the phone already! ;P I love you!

WanderingGirl said...

You are both allowed to evolve. You can do that individually and together at the same time.

Just don't ninjer each other if you don't deserve ninjering. :)

PS... wv is "hyporkr," which, if said quickly, is how you greet a pig.

Brook said...

Pain medication is making me loose track.

LOE-I am glad that we are talking and not sulking in our respective corners. When he started talking about where he is at, he was saying what was on my mind-with no prompting from me. That is exciting don't you think? When something is broken-even if you fix it there are cracks and it's weak, but you can make a whole new thing. Breaking the old habits is going to be the hardest part. But there is hope.

WG-Exactly. And no one is doing any judy choppin, or ninjyin either-well except for Big Daddy D, but that's his job so it's okay. And he doesn't bring his work home with him.

Nej said...

Depression? Maybe?
Mid Life Crisis? Maybe?
General frustrations? Maybe?

No matter how you cut it though, you will get it all sorted will find a way through it.

Talking about it is the first and best step. From there, you can only make progress. Counseling will probably be a really good idea. Sometimes a referee is needed...that third eye...that outside opinion to point out what you're not seeing.

Brook said...

Nej- yep, yep, and yep. I am really pissed that my f*ing shoulder has interupted the process. And the outside pov is really what we need. And we both think a do over is worth serious consideration.
Thanks for the encouragement, it does really help.