I wrote this in a very angry and hurt frame of mind.
It is a very narrow slice.
It is not the whole of what I feel.
But if I can't be honest with myself-and this is about me here-what's the point?
Notice the "brooksblogbaby" at the very top of your screen.
How I feel is valid.
It doesn't matter what you feel.
You don't have to agree.
You don't have to like it.
Getting buried in you doesn't make me go away.
Ignoring my heart doesn't make it not feel.
I made my choices.
I didn't know then what I know now.
Years of emotional hurt and neglect do take their toll.
Now I want him to feel the pain of trying and failing to capture my interest.
I want to torture him with his failure, grind him under my heel, and leave him to bleed out and feel what it is like to be empty of all the best that you had to give.
I know that is wrong.
I know it and I don't want to be that.
I see the future with him stretching forward in a bleak landscape full of petty battles and cold war detentes.
I see the relationship his parents have and really really don't want that for myself and yet I can see that we have already been following their model.
I remember my mothers terrible past relationships and how she escaped them.
I see her current relationship-the only one I have seen her truly happy in- and would rather have that.
Can I have that with him?
Do I want to?
I know I am angry.
I know I am sad.
I don't know how to fix things.
I don't know if I want to.
Maybe I am going through a mid life crisis.
Maybe I am depressed.
Maybe I am tired.
Maybe I am tired of wiping the asses of the grown and nearly grown people in my life.
Maybe I am ready to just take care of myself for a change.
Why the fuck should that be classified as a mental illness?
I know for sure that 30 or 40 years ago Big Daddy D could have had me locked up in a loony bin and treated with electric shock therapy for thinking this way.
What the fuck?
Now then, we have talked today about this very stuff-brought up by him and not me.
Strangely enough I am encouraged.
We don't want to fix what we have broken.
We might be interested in building something new.
That is good news.