Things I've done today...

Rewound a ball of yarn done too tight at the store: Knit a few rows on a shawl
Made breakfast: Toast, sausage, apple butter and apple cinnamon oatmeal from scratch
Laundry: That mountain has been conquered
Canned apple butter: 4 pounds of apples makes 4 cups
Baked bread: Why not?
Made tomato sauce: From scratch for supper tonight
Cleaned up after myself: No one else is going to
Knit some more: That shawl isn't going to knit itself

All that and it's not even noon.

Does there have to be a title?

Wouldn't it be nice to make a fresh start? From the ground up? To let go of everything and discover a new way to live?
I can feel a longing for that in my life. A desire too let go of old habits, old ways of doing things, old ways of thinking and feeling and reacting and to discover who I am now, after all this time without any of that stuff dragging at me.
This life hangs on to me though, tentacular hooks of love, relationship, responsibility that would shred my scarred soul if ripped away.
I think I know a little of why the caged bird sings.

The "I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT'S A PANCAKE RECIPE!" recipe

These pancakes are practically unbelievable.  As in you won't believe it til you make them.  Seriously
Ready?

Get out your blender
Get out your non stick skillet and a little butter

Crack 4 eggs into the blender
4 oz of cream cheese go in next-add a spoonful of sugar if you feel like it
Put the lid on and blend thoroughly

Set the blender by the stove and put your skillet on to heat and melt the pat of butter.
When the pan is hot pour in a little batter-this works best if you make 4" pancakes
When the bubbles set flip those babies over(you might need to spray the spatula with some nonstick spray), the second side will really only take few seconds-like 20 or 30, no more than a minute.

Put them on the plate you're going to eat off of- trust me it works better that way.
Serve with warmed fruit-I used some unsweetened frozen berries and some maple syrup.

Crazy huh?
CRAZY DELICIOUS!
I'd take pictures only you'd see nothing but berry juice stained plates, speaking of , I'd better get in the kitchen and clean up =)

I don't know if you know this about me but I've seen somebody literally beaten to death before my very eyes.
Bones shattered, limbs hanging useless, dangling from broken arms, legs - pleading for mercy that doesn't come.  I, he was helpless to do anything but scream and plead with Powers that dont' listen to stop, that don't listen to reason, they just don't and there's nothing to do but just watch.  NOTHING.  Don't go there just don't-nothing to do but watch this man be beaten to a pulp right there, to experience this sense of helplessness of nothingness as you watch unable to do anything.  NOTHING. NOTHING NOTHING I was nothing.  No one around me was anything.  I was no thing except this we- this one person, my love, holding a picture of us and what could be, our future, our possibilities and what ifs h- holding each other back from  our own certain death at the protest of a man losing his life so  HORRIFICALLY before me , before us.

People die all the time.
  

Our-my-own daughter died in our-my-arms.

She died of natural causes.

She wasn't beaten to death as this man was.  She wasn't pulped and broken to death because she was hungry.
She just died.

Rest assured,
 I've seen death.
 Death .
 DEATH.
How many of us see someone die right there?  I mean right there?  In our arms, in our circle of influence? A loved one sure,  but a stranger?  How many of us can effect the outcome?   Some?  Few?  Me? My daughter died of croup. We are a civilized advanced country.  We did all  we could to save her.  We failed.

This man, this grown man, I watched him die.
Held back by "helping" hands, he was MURDERED before my very eyes.  Broken.  Bleeding.  
Was her death the price I-we-payed to live?
WAS IT?
I am haunted by this idea.
This guilt.
 HAUNTED.
 What could I have done?  Could I have paid his fucking restaurant tab?  Could I have been the fucking white person who couldn't be touched in that fucking 1999 China?

I don't know.

I know this though:

Life is precious.

My heart is broken.

I live.
I live in a country where you won't die for skipping out on your restaurant tab. 

Where you have a chance.

I've seen hopelessness and death.
I've SEEN IT.

SEEN IT

Let's not go there.
Let's not be those people.
Let's fucking get over it okay?

Let's live.
Let's love.
Let's be excellent to each other.

Let's.

Italian Potato Soup

We occasionally go to Olive Garden for an almost quick lunch, enjoying the soup and salad and if I'm feeling skinny, a tiramisu.
Sometimes though going out is just too much bother and since I know how to make soup and reverse engineering recipes is kind of a hobby of mine, when I got a craving for some Zuppa Toscana I knew just how to make it.
And...
I DID!
This soup is so delicious and I think my version is actually better than the "name brand".


Here's how I did it:

One big soup pot on a medium flame
One good glug of olive oil into the pot
One medium yellow onion chopped and dropped into the oil
1/2 lb of Italian sausage  removed from it's casing and broken up into the pot.  (I splurged on this at Earthfare and got 2 links of  hot Italian sausage)
6 smallish red potatoes chopped and then dropped into the pot when the sausage is mostly done
One box of chicken stock poured in on top of everything (32oz I believe as I decided to not get the biggest new box at the store)

Give it all a stir and be patient.

Simmer for awhile-at least 30 to 45 minutes and give it a taste.  I needed to add some salt (grey Celtic sea salt in my case) and the sausage wasn't very fennely so I added about 1/8 tsp of fennel seed which I crushed with my fingers before adding it in

You aren't done yet!

Get out your potato masher and start mashing until it's the texture you like - don't go too crazy as you still want plenty of potato chunks!
One bunch of fresh kale goes in next - stem it and tear the leaves into smallish bits and stir them into your hot soup

TURN OFF THE HEAT!
This is very important for the soup to be a success, after all you don't want your soup to "break" do you?

Now for the last step:
Stir in about 1 cup of whole milk or enough to make the color "right" (this was another splurge from Earthfare- organic, non homogenized, and minimally pasteurized-delicious I must say).

Serve yourself a bowl  and top with a fresh grating of Parmesan cheese.

Enjoy!

*instead of tiramisu we made oatmeal raisin walnut cookies which we have eaten the heck out of.

Call me Sid

As if knitting dolly dresses out of cashmere wasn't crazy enough,

And taking a million pictures to get just the right one wasn't time consuming enough... 

I also take dolls apart and put them back together again.

What's not to love?

Gentle River

My newest dolly.  I'm up to an embarrassing number now.  This girl is beautiful as she is so I'll just be making a wardrobe for her.

Now for the hardest part, giving her a name.

I sit here feeling kind of bummed and wonder why that is.
Then it hits me.
Duh
My Grandma died just two weeks ago.
Sadness happens even when you're not actively thinking about it.
I only need to keep it together for another week or so.
This time of year sucks.

This one's for you Mom.

I wonder...

I wonder where my words went.
I used to write these rivers of words.
They would flow swift and free,
Bursting the dam and pouring over the banks of my mind,
Surging through my fingertips
and onto the screen.

Maybe those words were more like an artesian well, deep and full,
Which when tapped quickly reaches equilibrium,
Taking years to repressurise.
I wonder...

I'm sucked into a connected world that has no real connections.
I've lost the real in my real life.

Or maybe I just woke up too early and need a cup of coffee.

I need to clean out my dresser drawers.
No one needs that many t-shirts.

Wit or something like it

She hollers from the bathroom "Come on, come here.... coooome oooooon I'm not getting any younger you know.......I'm getting old here."

She's 6 going on 60 it seems, and truth be told I really don't care about the bubble hat but her tub time conversation is funny enough.

I am a little bit vain.  I know this because sometimes I look at a picture of myself-there are a few okay ones-and think "Hey, I look kinda good".
At least I don't gaze at myself in mirrors all day.  Not since I was a teenager anyway.

Beware: Dollies Ahead

Say hi to Trixie!

Here's a before picture-what a difference.

Whoa

HI!

I go away for a month and look what happens?

NOTHING!

There are some weird fucking people on the television.  I mean I know everyone is pretty fucking weird but these people just pick up their skirts and show their drawers right off the bat.

Eh.  I think I'd probably do the same thing.

I finished two hats in three days.  I know you really needed to know that.

I have a new hobby.  It's dolls. Yes, dolls.  My midlife crisis has struck.

You know I turned 40 right?

                                                        Cause we're cool like that

I was wondering...

If you hit a butterfly with your car and it stops flapping it's wings in North Carolina, does it stop bad weather in say...Peru?

What the Heck

We actually felt a little bit of that Virginia earthquake.

It was a strange experience.

I knew right away what it was.

Way up there on the "Weird-O-Meter".

Pants hitched up.

Belt tightened one more notch.

It's good.

What's for supper?

Turkey, radishes and spinach.

Roasted Turkey Thighs

(this one takes some time but it is WORTH EVERY MINUTE!)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Put your biggest skillet over medium high heat and add a spoonful of bacon fat(you save yours don't you?).

3lbs turkey thighs-this meant just 2 thighs when I was at the store(those things were HUGE).

Salt, pepper and sprinkle with ground sage the skin side of the turkey thighs.

Put turkey thighs skin side down in skillet until really brown-between 5 and 10 minutes.

Turn the thighs over and place the skillet in the oven.

Roast for 2 hours.

Remove from oven, let rest for about 10 minutes.

After you have the turkey in the oven:

Roasted Radishes

1 large bunch of radishes or a biggish bag of them if you prefer.

Remove green tops from radishes-you can save these to add to the spinach later if they are in good shape.

Rinse radishes-and greens if you are using them-and cut in half or quarters depending on size.

Place in single layer in a roasting pan and drizzle with olive oil and sprinkle with salt.

With about 40 minutes to go on the turkey place the radishes in the oven alongside.

If they aren't browned, when you take the turkey out just turn the oven to broil and let the radishes brown while the turkey rests-DON'T FORGET THEM!

After you have the turkey and the radishes in the oven:

Creamed Spinach

1 box frozen spinach (and the radish greens if you decided to use them).

1/2 onion thinly sliced.

1/2 cup heavy cream.

Defrost the spinach and squeeze out all the water that you can.

Saute the onions in a little olive oil until limp(stir in the radish greens and cook til wilted if you are).

Add the spinach and when it's warmed through stir in the cream.

Grate in a little nutmeg and sprinkle on a little salt.

Stir til it almost bubbles and it's done.

Everything is ready now so fill your plate and eat up!

If you feel like amping it up a bit spoon some of the rendered fat over the crispy turkey skin and make it glisten while boosting the flavor. You could also make a great pan sauce with the delicious brown bits by deglazing the pan with some white wine, stock or other liquid of your choice after you've poured off most of the fat. If you're feeling super daring save the strained rendered fat for frying an egg in or adding to some veggies or even heating up your leftovers in tomorrow. Trust me it is SO GOOD.

*the leftover spinach made an awesome omelet today!

Things in my freezer

I have a gallon bag of unshelled pecans in my freezer.

They've been there for a long time.

I think 7 or 8 years.

I doubt they are any good after all this time and honestly I have no intention of finding out.

They're the last of the pecans that I picked up at my Grandma's house right before she sold it.

That house was one of two that were the only constants in my growing up years and longer and though all of us were sad that it was no longer hers, we accepted and supported her decision to sell it.

I still have this Grandma and that's good but I have the pecan's to help me remember, well, everything else.

I think I must be a nostalgic squishy thing in the middle.

And perhaps just a little bit weird.